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NUTTIN BUT KEEPIN IT REAL WHEN IT COMES TO LOVE, LIFE, AND EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN!

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

LOVEQUEEN'S TOP OF THE YEAR THOUGHTS!


THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL!

Wow, here we are in 2012.   The number 12 signifies faith, or the things of love and the derivative of faith in one complex.   In my spirit, I truly believe this year will be a pivotal one for me.  This year I have already seen my strength coming through in terms of my relationships and the ways things have unfolded in the last couple of weeks.   The type of courage and fearlessness within me is something I haven't experienced ever before in my life.  I know this is going to sound cliché but I am feeling like I have nothing to lose and everything to gain.  Maybe because I know that I've given up a lot of my life and energy to things that didn't serve a real purpose in helping me to get to the next level -- great physical health, healthy relationships, and the life that I imagined I would be living at my age.
I'm a woman who has endured the deepest of battles within and I'm a woman who has been unable to emotionally detach from those that I loved even tho they didn't love me.  The ones who showed me that what they were selling wasn't something I shouldn't be buying but yet I never quite made it out the store.   I allowed myself to be degraded and disrespected by men.   I allowed myself to be manipulated by members of my family and friends.  I allowed myself to believe that it was never going to be any better so I settled for less.  I forgot my value and when you forget your value, you put yourself in situations that are beneath you and subject yourself to unacceptable treatment.  
I am so happy that life continues to show me the light and it hasn't made me bitter or hateful but instead thankful to be stronger and wiser.   I have experienced things in this life that I would never wish on someone else.  Yet in this day and age I recognize that almost everyone's life is uncertain but for me personally, I've been dealing with things way heavier than I ever expected to encounter so early in my life.  Mainly things focused around my mother and the state of her world.  Everyday working towards making good things happen for her despite our challenging relationship and her unfortunate circumstances.  Though often I find myself with the difficult decision of  sacrificing my life for the choices that she has made or forcing her to be self-sufficient and find her way to work things out on her own.  A difficult decision because this year I want to not sacrifice so much of me anymore but that often makes me feels selfish and extremely confused.
In order to justify how I feel, I constantly tell myself it is okay to be selfish because in order for anyone to get to your next level of greatness you have to embrace yourself and your needs.  Still I find even after saying that, my heart ends up confused and starts pulling me in a million different directions.  At end of the day, this is my mother and people I love so all I want to do is be able to love them with everything, receive their love, and give back to them everything they have given to me.  It is in my confused state that I find myself giving too much and not having anything left to give me.  I swear life is HARD AS HELL and it ain't getting any easier,  it is actually becoming more difficult because youth is no longer on my side.  YES THE LOVEQUEEN IS HEADED IN THE DIRECTION OF BEING REAL FREAKING GROWN.  
Also this year I want to work on my "LIP SERVICE",  I can talk a great game about what I am going to do and what I am going to accomplish and where I am going to be but somehow those words are short-lived and the actions become reflective of that.   This year, I am making a promise to no one else but myself that everything may not be perfect but I am not going to lose focus on the things that are important to me. 
I have faith that in this 12th year of the millennium, I wiIl let go of everything that makes me feel or act less than I am destined to be.  I will prepare and dream of my "knight in shining armor" that is coming to rescue me with his love - the patient, kind, and considerate love that I have always wanted.  He will make me laugh, challenge me to be better, support me when I need it, and respect my love the way I will respect his love.  I will make better choices in every aspect of my life so that even if I don't lose every pound this year or I don't move to New York that I will still be working towards everything that aligns with my purpose in life.
People say I'm a dreamer and what I want isn't possible but I will continue to dream and have faith because I AM AN ETERNAL OPTIMIST.   I believe that all good things come to those who work, wait, and pray all at the same time.   Don't let em steal our joy this time around…BE FEARLESS, FLY FREE, AND IN TIME LIFE WILL SHOW US THAT OUR DREAMS ARE MEANT TO BE!
#LOVEQUEEN
"You can't get to your future, when your past is your present" - CARRIE BRADSHAW

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